Facing Uncomfortable Truths: One of the primary reasons therapy can be hard work is the necessity to confront uncomfortable truths about oneself. Whether it’s acknowledging past trauma, addressing destructive behavioural patterns, or facing unresolved issues, therapy requires individuals to delve into the depths of their emotions and experiences. This process can be painful and demanding, requiring immense courage and self-reflection.

Vulnerability and Opening Up: Therapy often involves opening up about personal struggles and vulnerabilities. Sharing intimate details of one’s life with a therapist requires a level of trust and transparency that can be challenging to establish. The fear of judgment or rejection can make it difficult for individuals to fully disclose their thoughts and feelings, hindering the therapeutic process.

Emotional Exhaustion: Exploring and processing deep emotions can be emotionally exhausting. Therapy may bring up intense feelings, stirring up long-buried emotions that individuals may have avoided for years. This emotional labor can leave individuals feeling drained and fatigued, making it necessary to pace oneself and practice self-care throughout the therapeutic journey.

Changing Deep-Rooted Patterns: Humans are creatures of habit, and over time, individuals develop coping mechanisms and behavioural patterns to navigate the challenges of life. Therapy often involves challenging and changing these deep-rooted patterns, which can be a formidable task. Breaking free from ingrained ways of thinking and behaving requires consistent effort and a commitment to self-improvement.

Consistency and Patience: Real change takes time, and therapy is no exception. Consistency and patience are vital components of the therapeutic process. Individuals may find themselves frustrated by the gradual pace of progress or discouraged by setbacks. Maintaining a long-term commitment to therapy and staying patient with the process is crucial, even when faced with the temptation to seek quick fixes.

Cognitive Dissonance: Therapy often involves challenging existing beliefs and thought patterns. This can lead to cognitive dissonance, where individuals experience discomfort as they try to reconcile conflicting beliefs or attitudes within themselves. Managing cognitive dissonance requires a willingness to confront internal conflicts and make adjustments to align with healthier perspectives.

While therapy can be incredibly rewarding and transformative, it is not without its challenges. The hard work involved in therapy is a testament to the profound changes that can occur when individuals commit to self-discovery and growth. By acknowledging and embracing the difficulties of therapy, individuals can navigate the process with a realistic understanding of the emotional labor required, ultimately paving the way for lasting personal transformation.

Despite knowing the challenges of therapy, you might still have some reservations to participate in the process.  Therapy is a personal journey, and finding the right therapist and approach is crucial for its effectiveness. Here are some steps to help you navigate therapy despite reservations:

Identify and Understand Your Reservations: Reflect on the specific concerns or reservations you have about therapy. Are they related to the therapeutic process, the therapist, or a past negative experience? Understanding the root of your reservations can guide you in addressing them.

Communicate Openly with Your Therapist: Establish open communication with your therapist from the beginning. Share your reservations and concerns openly, allowing your therapist to understand your perspective. A good therapist will work collaboratively with you to address any worries and create a safe and supportive environment.

Discuss Expectations and Goals: Clearly articulate your expectations for therapy and discuss your goals with your therapist. Having a shared understanding of what you hope to achieve can help align both you and your therapist in the therapeutic process.

Explore Different Therapeutic Approaches: Therapy comes in various forms, and different therapeutic approaches may resonate with different individuals. If you have reservations about a particular method, discuss alternative approaches with your therapist. Being open to exploring different modalities may lead to a better fit for your needs.

Set Boundaries and Pace Yourself: It’s okay to set boundaries and pace yourself in therapy. If certain topics or exercises feel too overwhelming, communicate this to your therapist. Establish a comfortable pace that allows you to gradually delve into challenging areas while respecting your emotional well-being.

Consider a Trial Period: Many therapists offer an initial consultation or a few sessions as a trial period. Use this time to assess whether you feel comfortable with the therapist and the therapeutic approach. If, after a few sessions, you find that the fit is not right, it’s okay to explore other options.

Seek a Second Opinion: If your reservations persist, consider seeking a second opinion from another therapist. Different therapists bring unique styles and perspectives, and finding the right fit may involve exploring options until you find someone with whom you feel comfortable.

Educate Yourself About the Therapeutic Process: Learning more about the therapeutic process can demystify some aspects of therapy and alleviate concerns. Understanding the goals, methods, and potential benefits of therapy can empower you to actively participate in the process.

Be Patient with Yourself: Therapy is a gradual process, and it’s okay to feel hesitant at the beginning. Be patient with yourself and acknowledge that building trust and making progress may take time. Celebrate small victories and milestones along the way.

Regularly Evaluate Your Progress: Periodically assess your progress in therapy.

If you find that your reservations are diminishing and you are benefiting from the process, it’s a positive sign. On the other hand, if concerns persist, reevaluate whether the current therapeutic relationship is the right fit for you.

Remember, therapy is a collaborative effort, and your active participation in the process is crucial. If, despite your efforts, therapy does not feel right, it’s okay to explore other options or take a break and return when you feel more ready. Your well-being is the priority, and finding the right therapeutic fit is essential for a positive and effective experience.

Rise Up Counselling is a therapeutic practice specializing in supporting individuals and families experiencing challenges in their parenting time, decision-making responsibilities, separation and divorce proceedings. We engage families with respect, empathy and the intimate knowledge of how to navigate the various systems they may find themselves in. The fundamental scope of everything we do is to ensure that parents maintain a solid, healthy and nourishing relationship with their children.

We will walk side-by-side, one step at a time with families to reach their goals. Rise Up Counselling is a private practice offering in-person and virtual sessions. We welcome self and professional referrals.  Please contact us with any questions info@riseupcounselling.com and visit our website at www.riseupcounselling.com

Being vulnerable to a group of strangers might initially feel intimidating. However, groups bring together a small number of individuals experiencing similar challenges. It creates a safe space where those who frequently feel isolated can meet, build supportive relationships, and find companionship and a sense of belonging.

There are some fantastic benefits to group counselling.  

Groups provide support. Hearing from others with similar issues helps you see that you’re not alone, and many people experience a sense of relief knowing that people are in similar situations as you. 

Groups provide a sounding board. It can be helpful to talk about a situation with a broader range of perspectives to those in similar situations as yourself. If, for example, you talk about an argument with your ex-partner, group members can see things as outsiders and make suggestions about how the situation may be perceived. 

Groups can propel you forward. For example, hearing how other members successfully comforted their child during a difficult transition can be very encouraging. 

Group counselling costs less than individual counselling. Some people believe that because group therapy costs less, it’s not as good, but that’s not the case; group counselling can be incredibly powerful.

Groups teach you about yourself. Group counselling is a way to uncover the blind spots blocking your ability to overcome your struggles. 

Rise Up Counselling is a therapeutic practice that supports individuals and families experiencing challenges in parenting time, decision-making responsibilities, separation and divorce proceedings. 

Registration is now open for our Skill-Based Support Group. We are so excited to offer a 6-week skill-based support group. The focus will be on the following:

• Healthy boundaries 

• Emotional regulation 

• Communication strategies 

• Supporting children through transitions 

• What is in and out of your control 

• The next chapter 

The group will begin on Wed Feb 15th to March 29th (no group on March 15th). We will be offering two times to participate in this group either 12-1 PM or 8 -9 PM.

Contact Rise Up Counselling at info@riseupcounselling.com or 416-580-4284 for more information.

Tell the teacher about the divorce

If the separation occurs during the summer, alert your child’s teacher.  Ask the teacher for opportunities to show understanding and emotional support if the child shows stress, is distracted, does not complete homework, or acts out.Teachers can greatly support your child during the day, so positively utilize them for your child.

Communication

Talk to your co-parent about your child’s schedule and what each of you will handle about expenses, supplies, pre-first-day requirements for registration, etc.  Make sure you are on the same page about drop-offs, pick-ups, and extracurricular activities. It is also important to talk to your child about their schedule and what they can expect for the upcoming year.

Get Organized

The start of a new school year comes with a lot of paperwork.  Confirm who will complete the paperwork and share the information with your co-parent.  Consider rotating the responsibility each  year.  Assuming no court orders stating otherwise, each parent’s information should be included on the school forms, and the teacher should be aware of your situation and how to reach each parents.  This will save you a lot of headaches down the road.

Have a conversation about back-to-school supplies

Discuss who is buying what for back-to-school supplies. Preparing for these expenses will help eliminate the child feeling as if they are being placed in the middle of their parent’s conflict and therefore going without the necessities of school needs.

First day of School

If dropping your child off on the first day of school is important to you, speak to your co-parent about perhaps doing this together on the first day of school.  It may be tough to do as parents, but it is an important day that will speak volumes to your child.

Set up a Shared Family Calendar

This is a great way to keep everyone aware of what is happening with the children.  You can even share it with the children (depending on age), so they know who’s picking them up, family vacations, activities, homework deadlines, appointments, etc.

Make sure the child’s backpack stays with the child

To help your child stay on track and complete homework assignments on time, their assignment folder and necessary books and materials must accompany them from home to home.  The backpack belongs to the child and not the parent.

Attend Parent-Teacher conferences together if possible

While some parents request separate parent-teacher conferences, it is always best for parents to attend together when possible.  Attending together makes it easier on the teachers and shows the teacher that everyone is on the same team when it comes to supporting your child. If you can’t be there for some reason – due to a business trip or if you reside far away from the school, ask if you can call in or video conference.

Plan for Inclement Weather

Not all separation agreements speak to who is responsible for taking the children when bad weather arises.  The unpredictability of those scenarios can lead to confusion and anger.  If these situations can be planned out in advance, it can minimize conflict in the future.

We often get calls asking if we provide therapy for children – the answer is YES. However, we will only work with children when both parents are involved.

Divorce can trigger a cycle of child anxiety. They suddenly find their world being torn apart as the family begins parenting from two homes. And, often, the child must adjust to living in a new home or going to a new school and coping with their parent’s split.  Divorce can also increase a child’s aggression, raise separation anxiety issues, and negatively impact social and school performance. It can also increase the stress levels in children who already suffer from anxiety issues or mood disorders and can initiate anxiety-related concerns in children who do not usually have them

Does therapy help – YES. However, when parents place the child in the middle, they consistently argue or fight and disrespect each other; no therapy in the world will help the child manage unless the parents begin to examine their behaviours and their impact on their children.

When parents’ divorce, children can react by showing:

• Regressive behaviors (bedwetting, tantrums, thumb sucking, refusing to go to bed)
• Rebellious behaviors (anger, disobedience, or (in an older child) disregard for the parents)
• Increased episodes of crying or whining
• Feel “sick” when they are healthy or becoming clingy
• Separation anxiety
• Blaming themselves for the divorce
• Increased stress levels
• Impact social and school performance.

Strategies that parents can use to help their children through a divorce:

• Respect your child’s feelings and encourage them to talk to you about their fears. You may not have all the answers, but sometimes just listening and being supportive to your child can be enough.
• Remember that your child has lost something, too. They have lost their time with one parent when they are with the other parent and, in many cases, have lost their familiar surroundings, peers, and maybe even a beloved pet or best friend.
• Reassure your child that, no matter what, you love them now and will always love them. Be sure they understand that the divorce was not their fault and that there is nothing they could have done to prevent it.
• Try to keep the same routines for bedtime, homework, playtime, etc. It helps children feel secure and lets them know what to expect.
• Rituals also create a sense of safety for your child. A family ritual such as “game night” creates an anchor for your child and gives them a sense of familiarity and a way to relate to their new world.
• Be aware of your behaviours. Do you ask your child to pick sides when the parents argue? Are you encouraging contact with the other parent when the child has reservations about going for an overnight? Are you speaking badly about the other parent? Are you and your ex-partner constantly fighting in front of the child?
• Many times, children will adjust to the breakup of a marriage after a “settling in” period. Still, it depends on how the parents enter the co-parenting relationship and how committed they are to put the children first.

Rise Up Counselling can help parents support children through divorce without necessarily seeking counselling for them.  Feel free to reach out at any time. 

BIFF is a way to respond that usually puts a stop to the hostilities while leaving you feeling good about yourself.

Here are the four parts of a BIFF response:

Brief: Keep it short, typically a paragraph. This is even when the comment you’re responding to goes on and on for many paragraphs or pages. This leaves much less for the other person to react to and is often sufficient to get your main point across.

Informative: Give some straight information, rather than emotions, opinions, defenses or arguments. You don’t need to defend yourself when another person is being hostile. It’s not about you. It’s about their inability to manage their emotions and responses. Just stay focused on providing relevant information.

Friendly: This may seem hard to do when you’re being attacked in writing or verbally. But this avoids feeding the hostilities and may even calm an upset person. Just a friendly greeting and closing; nothing too involved. This helps keep the hostilities from escalating. It also shows that you have good self-restraint.

Firm: This means that you end the conversation rather than feeding the hostilities. It doesn’t mean harsh. Just avoid anything that opens the door to more hostile comments back. Say something that calmly ends the conversation. Sometimes, you will need a response from the other person, so just ask a question seeking a Yes or No answer. Then end on a friendly note.

We encourage you to try BIFF and see if it changes the course of communication with your ex-partner.

Most marriages end poorly. You are not alone. Now, you and your partner are on different pages with everything and have to make decision. Dealing with the grief and loss of your marriage stirs up multiple emotions such as anger, anxiety, fear, frustration, sadness and bitterness to name a few. Wondering how to stay grounded in your decision making while managing your emotions takes efforts?

Here are 10 quick tips to keep in mind when managing the separation and creating a parenting plan

1. Be mindful and empathetic to your ex-partner. You are both grieving in your own and different ways. 

2. Think about a schedule based on children’s age, development and needs with a focus on maintaining and fostering the parent/child relationships with each parent as much as possible.

3. Create a parenting schedule that is consistent and predictable, with some honest flexibility. Do you want your children to see you fight for years?  They are only ‘children’ for a short time. Think big picture!

4. Children have a voice, consider obtaining their views and preferences particularly for children over 7 years old. Their choices may also change over time.  Yet, the final decision is with the parents. 

5. If you have access to a car and are already living in 2 homes, consider showing the children you care about their relationship with the other parent by dropping them off at the other home for their parenting time.

6. Just because you were the primary caregiver for the majority of the children’s lives, does not mean that the other parent should not have the opportunity to parent as well.  They may surprised you and the children when given the space; or not. Either way utilize your reliable supports to help you through this change of parenting responsibilities.

7. Consider how decisions are made. Will they be made jointly, will one person make the final decision while consulting the other parent or will you need a parenting coordinator to assist with managing the plan? Where do you stand with religion, education, medical (including immunizations), holidays, introducing new partners, psycho-social support (therapy), vacation and extracurricular activities.

8. Consider how you will communicate moving forward. Through an app or texting? Think about the language and tone, remove emotion and hurtful comments.  

9. Respect the children’s time and think about quality over quantity when doing a virtual chat or speaking on the phone during other parents time.  

10. Share this list with your ex.  The longer the conflict continues, the less likely ALL members of the family are able to emotionally heal and move forward with their lives.  Your children will remember how their parents behaved and treated each other during this time.  

Bonus: Remember, Children are resilient yet the goal is to aim for them to thrive not just survive your divorce.

Depending on your personal situation, your lawyer, mediator, divorce therapist or coach can assist you with questions, help ground your thinking and process with you what makes the most sense for you. 

You have decided to separate and now you have to tell the kids. One of the most challenging and painful conversations you will ever face is talking to your kids about your plan to divorce. When you know that you will be separating or divorcing, it is essential to speak with your kids before they hear about it from someone else. Imagine how upsetting it would be for your children to hear this news from a friend or another adult! Children will probably remember this conversation, what you said, when it happened, and where they heard it. It would be best to work with your spouse to decide how you will inform your children of your plan to separate or divorce. 

When you are thinking about telling your children you are separating or getting a divorce, the first point to keep in mind is what will the conversation look like, and second, what stage of development is my child at?

Adults see divorce for the complex, multi-faceted situation it is. Young children tend to view it in concrete and self-centered terms. Big-picture reassurances will mean little to a child who is wondering, “Where will the hamster live?” Understanding where kids are developmentally can help you help them adjust to the reality of divorce.

What should I tell my children?

Plan what you will say. Protect your kids from your hurt or anger by planning (together) when, how, and what you will tell your kids—plan to tell them on a day that allows for some family time, like a weekend. Don’t do it on a holiday or other special day, or just before school or bedtime. If it’s complicated for you to speak with your spouse, or you can’t agree on how you will do it, consider using the services of a mediator, divorce coach, or counselor to help you work out the details. Don’t blurt it out impulsively in an emotional moment. That definitely won’t go well and trust that the kids will remember this moment!

Should I talk to my children together or individually? 

Talking to your children and doing it with your ex-partner might be difficult.  However, it lets your kids know that you’re committed to working together as their parents. It is  also important that your children hear this news simultaneously and directly from mom and dad, not from the sibling who heard it first. So if your kids are of different ages, plan to share the basic information with all of your kids together. Later you can follow up with the older children during a separate conversation. If you can’t speak to your children together due to conflict between you and your partner, seek help developing your plan.

What if they ask whose fault it is?

Avoid the temptation to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. You may feel that you want your children to know the “truth”—”Mom had an affair,” or “Dad is leaving us.” This will cause your children to feel caught in the middle, in a loyalty bind, and that isn’t healthy for them. The “truth” is less important than providing the support and reassurance that your children need. To the extent that you can, use the “we” word when you are explaining the decisions that have been made. “We aren’t happy together,” or “We both want our arguing to stop,” or “We have tried to work out our differences, but we haven’t been able to.”

It is not essential or appropriate that you provide specific details about why you are planning to divorce. However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older children will press for information so that they can understand why their lives are going to change. So while you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some general explanation without blame. “We hoped this would never happen, but we can’t seem to fix our relationship.” “We both want different things in our lives.” “We like each other and want to be friends, but we don’t love each other anymore.” Remember that these are grown-up problems that your kids, even intelligent and mature kids, can’t understand yet.

How much detail should I share with them?

The most important thing kids want to know is how your divorce is going to affect their lives. Your kids will want to know where they are going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change. You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know and what you don’t know. If you and your spouse have settled on how you will share time with the kids, let them know the schedule. Reassure them about the things that you know for sure will stay the same: possibly their school, or sports, or other activities. Be sure to let them know that your love for them will never change. Parents can divorce each other, but they never divorce their kids.

Unless you plan to nest, the more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing them, the better. They will need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with both parents, even though they won’t be living under the same roof.

How much reassurance do my kids need?

Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault. Stress that nothing they did could have caused—or prevented—what is happening. Since there are many unknowns at the start of separation, don’t make promises you may not keep. Don’t promise that you will never have to move or that they will still go to sleep-away camp in the summer unless you are sure. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time: “You will still go to your school,” or “You will still have Christmas and birthdays and sleepovers with your friends.” 

What if my kids don’t react the way I thought they would?

The news may (or may not) be completely unexpected and will undoubtedly change their lives. Try to understand no reaction—which is a reaction—as you would if they were in tears or extremely angry. Your children may not know how to express their intense emotions. They may be overwhelmed and shut down. It may be some time before they can express their feelings. If you are calm when you tell your children about your plans to separate or divorce, they will have less anxiety and are more likely to anticipate being okay. However, it is okay for the children to see you upset or cry, giving them “permission” to have feelings. Just be sure that you can control your emotions enough, so they don’t need to take care of you. Remember, it is important to reassure them that everyone in the family will adjust to the changes and heal.

How do I know when the conversation is done?

Some kids don’t want to talk right away. Others will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and straightforward in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that you will let them know when you figure things out. This conversation is just the first, and it will unfold in many ways over time. Let them know that they can always ask new questions when they arise. But be sure to keep them out of the legal and financial issues as you move toward divorce.

How to speak to children based on their development

Although having a plan is the first step, it is imperative to understand how to speak to children based on their development. Here are some examples of children’s development issues based on age.

Children under 5 years old:

Babies and toddlers

• dependence on parents or caregivers
• no ability to understand complex events, anticipate future situations or understand their feelings

Preschoolers

• beginning to develop independence, but still highly dependent
• limited ability to understand cause and effect; still unable to think ahead to the future
• understanding of the world revolves around themselves
• line between fantasy and reality is sometimes fuzzy
• some ability to think about feelings, but limited ability to talk about them

What to watch for:

Signs of distress in preschoolers include fear, anger or emotional instability, which may be expressed indirectly through clinginess, anxiety, whininess or general irritability. Preschoolers may also lose ground in their development. Toddlers who were sleeping through the night might start waking up more often, for example.

Parental priorities:

Consistent care and nurturing give children a sense of stability and reassurance. So as much as possible, toddlers’ lives need to be anchored by their regular routines (meals, play, bath, bed) in the presence of a parent who is there for them. This, of course, is important to all children, but especially after divorce. Preschoolers need simple, concrete explanations. Stick to the basics: which parent will be moving out, where the child will live, who will look after him, and how often he’ll see the other parent. Be prepared for questions; provide short answers, then wait to see if there are more. Don’t expect one conversation to do the job; plan on several short talks.

Children between 6 to 11-years-old:

Children 6 to 8-year-old

• a little more ability to think and talk about feelings
• broader, less egocentric view of what’s going on around them, but still limited understanding of complex circumstances such as divorce
• developing more relationships outside the home (friends and school).

Children 9 to 11-year-old

• more developed ability to understand, think and talk about feelings and circumstances related to divorce
• relationships outside the family (friends, teachers, coaches) are more developed and become a greater factor in planning the child’s time
• tend to see things in black and white; may assign blame for the split

What to watch for: School-aged children may show their distress as fear, anxiety, anger or sadness, and some display more clear-cut signs of missing their absent parent. Some may have fantasies about reconciliation and wonder what they can do to make that happen. Children who think that they might be able to bring their parents back together, or that they somehow contributed to the divorce, will have trouble getting

on with the healing process. So they need to understand that those are adult decisions which they didn’t cause and can’t influence.  Additionally, they may demonstrate a sense of loyalty to one parent over another as a way of consoling that parent.  Feelings of shame and guilt may arise.

Parental priorities: Stable care and routines are still important. Kids at the upper end of this age range are more able to talk about what they are feeling. However, just because they can doesn’t mean they will want to. Approaching the topic indirectly can help; saying, “Some kids feel sad, afraid or even angry when their parents divorce,” is less threatening than asking directly, “Are you feeling sad?” Books about divorce can also help kids focus on their feelings.

Children 12 to 14-year-old: 

• greater capacity to understand issues related to divorce
• ability to take part in discussions and ask questions to increase their understanding
• beginnings of desire for more independence; questioning of parental authority
• relationships outside the family increasingly important

What to watch for: Irritability and anger are common in both parents or those who moved out. It can be hard to gauge how much of a young teen’s moodiness is related to the divorce or a preference over one parent from the other.

Parental priorities: Keeping open communication decreases the chance that emotional problems slip under the radar. Kids in this age group can be harder to reach, and sometimes they act as if they don’t want to be reached. But most teens and preteens still need and crave connection with parents. Acknowledge they have a voice and enquire about their view and preferences while maintaining your position as a parent.  

It will take time for you and your children to adjust to this enormous change, and while you may be confident in the future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be emotionally present and reassuring. Modeling your healing and recovery over time will help them adapt and heal too. 

Rise Up Counselling can support you in developing a script and a plan to have this difficult conversation with your children. You can contact us at info@riseupcounselling.com for more information.